He is ALL we Have

I am going to attempt to write down what has been going through my brain the past couple of days. I say attempt because I feel as if I have had so many thoughts that I needed a year to process through all of them and then within an instance it just all made sense...

Something I have been finding myself struggling with this summer is self worth. This is a new struggle for me. In fact I have had many girls come to me with this struggle and it was always hard for me to relate. But suddenly I had been thrown into their world. I found myself looking for satisfaction in my appearance, my "self esteem", my job, my relationships. I felt like I had this empty void that needed to be filled and I didn't know how to fill it. I found myself yearning for love and acceptance. All of the sudden I went form being content to needing someone to need me and want me. I share these things not for pity by any means but I share them to be real. I don't know who reads these blogs or if anyone besides my mom reads them (lol) but what I don't want someone to do is to come across my blogs and think...oh there is just another person who has it all together...and then feel defeated. I don't have it all together, I have bad days, I am not perfect.

And then yesterday I am thinking to myself about all these things I need to do. At the beginning of the summer I put together a "Strategic Plan". Erica Goodyear (a woman who disciples me during the school year) gave it to me as a goal sheet for myself. On it are lists of goals that I felt like I needed to accomplish this summer to better my personal relationship with Jesus, better myself, better my relationships with my family, friends and to better my future. The main goal is written out in three different passages from II Timothy, Colossians and Hebrew as my summer goal. I felt like I had been failing at this and got really down on myself. I am reading this book, Eat Pray Love. In it this woman takes a year to travel to Italy, India and Indonesia. She is accomplishing so much in her time away. Then I heard from Emiley who is in Africa and when she emails me it is like I am reading an email from somebody totally different from the girl I knew before she left. I started to think about the summers I would go away to camp. It seems like when you are placed in a different environment, one away from your everyday life, meant solely for Christ then it is sort of easy. My thoughts are, where in the heck am I gonna go? I need to get away. I need to refocus...for a long time. This poses as a problem since I am in Jackson for three weeks working many many hours so that I can take a vacation to Hawaii and then I am off to Lindenwood...where I've been...same place. If you can feel any of my emotion through this blog you are beginning to feel my sheer panic. lol But don't worry God came through...as He always does.

I read a few passages in Ephesians yesterday. This is the first of two books that me and the girls from LU are reading together this summer. This first passage I read made me take a real good look at my heart and what I desire...we established earlier that the things I have been desiring are earthly love, earthly companionship, earthly desires. I was asking myself the question that I am pretty sure every girl finds themselves asking at least once in their life: will I be loved and will I be loved enough? So that is my heart...yuck...my desires are obviously controlling my life. Then I read on to the next passage. In this passage I learn that if I love Jesus...He will become my desire and my want. My answer to my two questions "will I be loved and will I be loved enough?" is right in front of me. HELLO JESSICA?! I have a God who loves me-ALWAYS...and although I will never fully be able to comprehend how much He loves me...I am pretty darn sure that is is more than ENOUGH. Suddenly I am feeling a little better...although at this point I am ready to take a whole stack a paper and write "LOVE JESUS" on each one so I can post them all over my room and my car just to remind me. (an idea my friend, Lindsey had that I think is pretty brilliant) That was last night...

Today I find myself meditating on the passages all day. It's great...who would of thought that God could change my ways of thinking so quickly? And then of course I connect through a song...well because I always do. :) The song is by one of my favorite bands, Tenth Avenue North. I love all their songs by the way and their lyrics are simply amazing. But the song that struck me today on my way to the gym was Satisfy. The title already had me interested since that was what I had been looking for...satisfication...purpose...meaning....let me share the lyrics with you.

Before the sun has touched the sky

Colors bursting from Your eyes

Before the flood of the morning light

Before the earth has felt Your heat

Before I stand up to my feet

Before I begin to feel this weak

Satisfy me Lord, oh oh

Satisfy me Lord, oh oh

I'm begging You, to help me see

You're all I want, You're all I need

Oh, satisfy me Lord

When the day is closing in

Like the stars in the night I am falling

Into the pull of the earth and it's affection

In me, oh lord, can you create

A pure heart cuz I'm afraid

That I just might run back to the things I hate

Satisfy me Lord, oh oh

Satisfy me Lord, oh oh

Yeah, I'm begging You, to help me see

You're all I want, You're all I need

Oh, satisfy me Lord

You're beautiful, You're beautiful

You're more than all this world can give

You're beautiful, You're beautiful

You're love is all I need to live

You're beautiful, You're beautiful

You're more than all this world can give

You're beautiful, more beautiful

You're love is all I need to live

:) I just smile when I read those lyrics. Having reassurance that it is okay to ask the Lord to satisfy me. Before I even get out of bed in the morning to ask Him to satisfy me because I know if I don't ask Him to I will begin to turn back to the things of this world so quick, looking to fill the void that will never fill with anything but Jesus. So as I am listening to this song I take a break to watch a video that a good friend of mine has sent to me. It is a sermon by Paul Washer. And in this video a few things really grab my attention....
"Men were not made for men" (isn't it insane the way we think that we are? I mean I really think that the world has us believing that we were created for other people...) "This world was not made for men" (hold up...what??! Why is it that we are so self righteous that we think that this world was made for US? We think that we have the right to the things of this world but we don't...) "Men were made for GOD" (There you have it...there is your purpose, your meaning...and where you will find your satisfaction. In God...because that is why we are here. That is why we were created and that is why we live....FOR GOD.) He also said something else that caught my attention...God is all we need...I've heard that before...I know that. BUT not only is God all we need, He is all we HAVE. Try and live this life without Him...it won't work because anything outside of God is wrong. Thank God that I don't have to take a year off to go somewhere far far away to be near Him. Everything changed so quickly because I finally did my part...God was doing His along, I just wasn't responding but I did today and let me tell you something-I have never felt so satisfied.