Barbie Dolls and Super Heros

Tonight I want to write a special blog. Tonight I want to write about someone who, while younger than me, has taught me so much about life and about myself. This person is my younger brother. Today he turned 18 years old. My mom and dad told me that when they found out that they were pregnant that I was so excited! I really wanted a sister. I wanted someone to play barbies with and dress up with. When they came home to tell me that I was gonna have a baby brother I was devastated! A BOY? I didn't want a boy living with me. Who was gonna play with me?! Little did I know at age four that later on in life I would realize that a brother is exactly what I needed.

Like I said, I was four years old when mom and dad brought Zach home from the hospital. I remember sitting in the rocking chair as they placed him in my arms. I was already so proud of him! Time went by quickly and before we knew it he was running around our house, stealing our hearts. And guess what? I think he was pretty fond of me as well because he did pretty much whatever I wanted him to. He played Barbies with me when we were little. He helped me dress up our cat, Little Eek, and as we got a little older he even, reluctantly, played student, while I played teacher. (I may have something to do with his dislike for school) But don't worry, I didn't just make him play girly games...we played boy games too. I still remember running around our house in St. Peters me in my brightly colored underwear, him in his power ranger underwear, with our blankies tied around our necks acting like superheros. Growing up with a brother also means you learn how to play video games and you learn how to throw a football or in our case, swing a golf club. We had a nice balance in our house growing up.

Sure, we fought and teased and didn't always get along....I will never forget the time that him and I were in the back seat of the car and we were bickering back and forth (he always liked to get a rise out of me). Dad had asked us to stop plenty of times but we didn't listen, of course. As we are sitting next to each other, facing one another, practically nose to nose going at it something stops us...dad's hand. He reached back there and whacked both of our faces so fast. Now something you should know about my dad is that he NEVER hit us...I don't think I ever got a spanking from him and he rarely raised his voice either so needless to say, Zach and I were both a little shocked. We both just busted out in laughter after that. That is usually how our tiffs would end...and they always did.

Zach and I were always close for brother and sister but it wasn't until I went off to college that we became the friends we are today. My brother has went through a lot in the short 18 years he has lived. He has taught me so much about the importance of love and laughter. He has shown me that it is good to take a leap of faith but to always watch out for the fall. And then when I fall...because I do often...he is always there to pick me up, brush me off and give me that push I need to keep on going. As an older sister I feel like I am supposed to be an example. I am supposed to go out in this world and live life first so that I can warn and teach and guide my brother. I am supposed to have words of wisdom for him as he grows up. And although I do not think that I have failed by any means as his sister, I do think that he has done those things far more for me. He has been my support and my example. He has touched my life in ways that I can't imagine touching some one's life. 

As we have gotten older I have watched him turn into such an extraordinary young man of God. He is so passionately in love with His Saviour and He does not take his faith lightly. He has inspired me more than once and encouraged me in my walk with the Lord numerous times. We may not play with Barbie dolls or dress up like Super Heroes any longer but now I have a friend to sit at Starbucks with me and talk about life, or to take a drive to Route 66 to see the World's Largest Rocking chair just because we can. I am sure we will still have our tiffs and need a firm hand across our face to snap us out it...and we will always snap out of it. But as friends come and go because they always do, as people disappoint us and walk out of our lives at least I know that I will always have my little, 6'2'', brother by my side.

Zachary James Silvio Vaeth is an amazing person. He is strong, sensitive, he cares for people, loves his family and friends, he is courageous and a pretty much the best golfer I know! :) He turned 18 years old today and I just wanted to wish him a very happy birthday!

So I don't know if Zach will ever read this but if he does: I want you to know that I love you and I don't think that I could ever thank God enough for blessing me with a brother 18 years ago when I thought I wanted a sister. You have been such a blessing in my life and I pray that I can be even half of that for you!

Remembering The Good Times...*

I text a friend of mine from Lindenwood some song lyrics to a song that we used to drive around and listen to together and he said, "you remembering the good times?" Remembering the good times is something I have been doing a lot of this summer.

This evening I had dinner with an old friend from high school...well more like elementary school. Erin was one of my first friends that I made in Jackson. We were in Mrs. Ludwigs's fourth grade class together. We made a best friend's club and played together at recess. She came to my house and we played with my American Girl doll together. As we grew up we were in many more classes together and many more memories were made. Junior high was rough but it was always good to have Erin to help you through it. Then we made it to high school. We shopped for school dances together, we went to try outs for vball together, we talked about boys together. I was there when she got her heart broke for the first time and she was there when I got my first boy friend and my first kiss. And then we graduated and we went our separate ways. Tonight we met up for the first time since high school. We talked about how we would never go back to high school and how we loved college. We remembered the good times and have forgotten the bad times. And we laughed...and laughed. It was so good to see her. She is happy and in love. She beautiful and full of life. Seeing her and remembering the good times was great.

Another person that I have had the privilege to catch up and reminisce with this summer is one of old best friends, Sarah. My relationship with Sarah is and has always been different than my relationship with Erin. Sarah and I met in high school and we instantly clicked. We were inseparable until I left for college. She is a year younger than I am. We stayed in touch that first year of college but it was hard as I had a new life in St. Louis that she wasn't a part of. But as soon as she left for Rolla to go to school she understood completely. She has made her own life there and I think that is why our friendship has worked so well these past three years. We both understand that Jackson and high school is no longer our lives. We come home and we have lunch or dinner together and we talk about each other's lives separate from one another and then we always talk about the past...remembering the good times.

My best friend, Erica, is getting married in December. Needless to say, I am a little emotional over this. She has been my sister since we were like 11 years old, wearing swim caps and competing in swim team together. We didn't go to high school together but we had something bonding us that I didn't have with any of my other friends from school...God. In fact, I became a Christian just after meeting Erica and her family. I always say the Lord sent their family to ours to tell us about Jesus so that He could save us. I have lived with Erica many summers at camp and now for three years at college. We have one semester left together to create memories. But this summer I have read over some old notes of ours, old emails, old letters and spent a lot of time thinking back to the days when things were simple and all we had was each other and that's all we needed. I could sit and talk about the good times with Erica for a long time.

I think it is so important to remember the good times. Of course we are going to have bad times in our lives. We are going to go through trials, we are gonna have people hurt us, disappoint us, we are gonna fail and some days it is gonna feel like it is the end of the world but it is those times that gets us to the next good time. Instead of holding on to the bad and remembering those days...hold on to the good times. I text my friend back today after he asked me that question "you remembering the good times?" and I replied, "I am ALWAYS remembering the good times." :) So for all you that read my blog, thank you for the good times because I know I've had them with you and I hope we have many more to come.

He is ALL we Have

I am going to attempt to write down what has been going through my brain the past couple of days. I say attempt because I feel as if I have had so many thoughts that I needed a year to process through all of them and then within an instance it just all made sense...

Something I have been finding myself struggling with this summer is self worth. This is a new struggle for me. In fact I have had many girls come to me with this struggle and it was always hard for me to relate. But suddenly I had been thrown into their world. I found myself looking for satisfaction in my appearance, my "self esteem", my job, my relationships. I felt like I had this empty void that needed to be filled and I didn't know how to fill it. I found myself yearning for love and acceptance. All of the sudden I went form being content to needing someone to need me and want me. I share these things not for pity by any means but I share them to be real. I don't know who reads these blogs or if anyone besides my mom reads them (lol) but what I don't want someone to do is to come across my blogs and think...oh there is just another person who has it all together...and then feel defeated. I don't have it all together, I have bad days, I am not perfect.

And then yesterday I am thinking to myself about all these things I need to do. At the beginning of the summer I put together a "Strategic Plan". Erica Goodyear (a woman who disciples me during the school year) gave it to me as a goal sheet for myself. On it are lists of goals that I felt like I needed to accomplish this summer to better my personal relationship with Jesus, better myself, better my relationships with my family, friends and to better my future. The main goal is written out in three different passages from II Timothy, Colossians and Hebrew as my summer goal. I felt like I had been failing at this and got really down on myself. I am reading this book, Eat Pray Love. In it this woman takes a year to travel to Italy, India and Indonesia. She is accomplishing so much in her time away. Then I heard from Emiley who is in Africa and when she emails me it is like I am reading an email from somebody totally different from the girl I knew before she left. I started to think about the summers I would go away to camp. It seems like when you are placed in a different environment, one away from your everyday life, meant solely for Christ then it is sort of easy. My thoughts are, where in the heck am I gonna go? I need to get away. I need to refocus...for a long time. This poses as a problem since I am in Jackson for three weeks working many many hours so that I can take a vacation to Hawaii and then I am off to Lindenwood...where I've been...same place. If you can feel any of my emotion through this blog you are beginning to feel my sheer panic. lol But don't worry God came through...as He always does.

I read a few passages in Ephesians yesterday. This is the first of two books that me and the girls from LU are reading together this summer. This first passage I read made me take a real good look at my heart and what I desire...we established earlier that the things I have been desiring are earthly love, earthly companionship, earthly desires. I was asking myself the question that I am pretty sure every girl finds themselves asking at least once in their life: will I be loved and will I be loved enough? So that is my heart...yuck...my desires are obviously controlling my life. Then I read on to the next passage. In this passage I learn that if I love Jesus...He will become my desire and my want. My answer to my two questions "will I be loved and will I be loved enough?" is right in front of me. HELLO JESSICA?! I have a God who loves me-ALWAYS...and although I will never fully be able to comprehend how much He loves me...I am pretty darn sure that is is more than ENOUGH. Suddenly I am feeling a little better...although at this point I am ready to take a whole stack a paper and write "LOVE JESUS" on each one so I can post them all over my room and my car just to remind me. (an idea my friend, Lindsey had that I think is pretty brilliant) That was last night...

Today I find myself meditating on the passages all day. It's great...who would of thought that God could change my ways of thinking so quickly? And then of course I connect through a song...well because I always do. :) The song is by one of my favorite bands, Tenth Avenue North. I love all their songs by the way and their lyrics are simply amazing. But the song that struck me today on my way to the gym was Satisfy. The title already had me interested since that was what I had been looking for...satisfication...purpose...meaning....let me share the lyrics with you.

Before the sun has touched the sky

Colors bursting from Your eyes

Before the flood of the morning light

Before the earth has felt Your heat

Before I stand up to my feet

Before I begin to feel this weak

Satisfy me Lord, oh oh

Satisfy me Lord, oh oh

I'm begging You, to help me see

You're all I want, You're all I need

Oh, satisfy me Lord

When the day is closing in

Like the stars in the night I am falling

Into the pull of the earth and it's affection

In me, oh lord, can you create

A pure heart cuz I'm afraid

That I just might run back to the things I hate

Satisfy me Lord, oh oh

Satisfy me Lord, oh oh

Yeah, I'm begging You, to help me see

You're all I want, You're all I need

Oh, satisfy me Lord

You're beautiful, You're beautiful

You're more than all this world can give

You're beautiful, You're beautiful

You're love is all I need to live

You're beautiful, You're beautiful

You're more than all this world can give

You're beautiful, more beautiful

You're love is all I need to live

:) I just smile when I read those lyrics. Having reassurance that it is okay to ask the Lord to satisfy me. Before I even get out of bed in the morning to ask Him to satisfy me because I know if I don't ask Him to I will begin to turn back to the things of this world so quick, looking to fill the void that will never fill with anything but Jesus. So as I am listening to this song I take a break to watch a video that a good friend of mine has sent to me. It is a sermon by Paul Washer. And in this video a few things really grab my attention....
"Men were not made for men" (isn't it insane the way we think that we are? I mean I really think that the world has us believing that we were created for other people...) "This world was not made for men" (hold up...what??! Why is it that we are so self righteous that we think that this world was made for US? We think that we have the right to the things of this world but we don't...) "Men were made for GOD" (There you have it...there is your purpose, your meaning...and where you will find your satisfaction. In God...because that is why we are here. That is why we were created and that is why we live....FOR GOD.) He also said something else that caught my attention...God is all we need...I've heard that before...I know that. BUT not only is God all we need, He is all we HAVE. Try and live this life without Him...it won't work because anything outside of God is wrong. Thank God that I don't have to take a year off to go somewhere far far away to be near Him. Everything changed so quickly because I finally did my part...God was doing His along, I just wasn't responding but I did today and let me tell you something-I have never felt so satisfied.