He is ALL we Have

I am going to attempt to write down what has been going through my brain the past couple of days. I say attempt because I feel as if I have had so many thoughts that I needed a year to process through all of them and then within an instance it just all made sense...

Something I have been finding myself struggling with this summer is self worth. This is a new struggle for me. In fact I have had many girls come to me with this struggle and it was always hard for me to relate. But suddenly I had been thrown into their world. I found myself looking for satisfaction in my appearance, my "self esteem", my job, my relationships. I felt like I had this empty void that needed to be filled and I didn't know how to fill it. I found myself yearning for love and acceptance. All of the sudden I went form being content to needing someone to need me and want me. I share these things not for pity by any means but I share them to be real. I don't know who reads these blogs or if anyone besides my mom reads them (lol) but what I don't want someone to do is to come across my blogs and think...oh there is just another person who has it all together...and then feel defeated. I don't have it all together, I have bad days, I am not perfect.

And then yesterday I am thinking to myself about all these things I need to do. At the beginning of the summer I put together a "Strategic Plan". Erica Goodyear (a woman who disciples me during the school year) gave it to me as a goal sheet for myself. On it are lists of goals that I felt like I needed to accomplish this summer to better my personal relationship with Jesus, better myself, better my relationships with my family, friends and to better my future. The main goal is written out in three different passages from II Timothy, Colossians and Hebrew as my summer goal. I felt like I had been failing at this and got really down on myself. I am reading this book, Eat Pray Love. In it this woman takes a year to travel to Italy, India and Indonesia. She is accomplishing so much in her time away. Then I heard from Emiley who is in Africa and when she emails me it is like I am reading an email from somebody totally different from the girl I knew before she left. I started to think about the summers I would go away to camp. It seems like when you are placed in a different environment, one away from your everyday life, meant solely for Christ then it is sort of easy. My thoughts are, where in the heck am I gonna go? I need to get away. I need to refocus...for a long time. This poses as a problem since I am in Jackson for three weeks working many many hours so that I can take a vacation to Hawaii and then I am off to Lindenwood...where I've been...same place. If you can feel any of my emotion through this blog you are beginning to feel my sheer panic. lol But don't worry God came through...as He always does.

I read a few passages in Ephesians yesterday. This is the first of two books that me and the girls from LU are reading together this summer. This first passage I read made me take a real good look at my heart and what I desire...we established earlier that the things I have been desiring are earthly love, earthly companionship, earthly desires. I was asking myself the question that I am pretty sure every girl finds themselves asking at least once in their life: will I be loved and will I be loved enough? So that is my heart...yuck...my desires are obviously controlling my life. Then I read on to the next passage. In this passage I learn that if I love Jesus...He will become my desire and my want. My answer to my two questions "will I be loved and will I be loved enough?" is right in front of me. HELLO JESSICA?! I have a God who loves me-ALWAYS...and although I will never fully be able to comprehend how much He loves me...I am pretty darn sure that is is more than ENOUGH. Suddenly I am feeling a little better...although at this point I am ready to take a whole stack a paper and write "LOVE JESUS" on each one so I can post them all over my room and my car just to remind me. (an idea my friend, Lindsey had that I think is pretty brilliant) That was last night...

Today I find myself meditating on the passages all day. It's great...who would of thought that God could change my ways of thinking so quickly? And then of course I connect through a song...well because I always do. :) The song is by one of my favorite bands, Tenth Avenue North. I love all their songs by the way and their lyrics are simply amazing. But the song that struck me today on my way to the gym was Satisfy. The title already had me interested since that was what I had been looking for...satisfication...purpose...meaning....let me share the lyrics with you.

Before the sun has touched the sky

Colors bursting from Your eyes

Before the flood of the morning light

Before the earth has felt Your heat

Before I stand up to my feet

Before I begin to feel this weak

Satisfy me Lord, oh oh

Satisfy me Lord, oh oh

I'm begging You, to help me see

You're all I want, You're all I need

Oh, satisfy me Lord

When the day is closing in

Like the stars in the night I am falling

Into the pull of the earth and it's affection

In me, oh lord, can you create

A pure heart cuz I'm afraid

That I just might run back to the things I hate

Satisfy me Lord, oh oh

Satisfy me Lord, oh oh

Yeah, I'm begging You, to help me see

You're all I want, You're all I need

Oh, satisfy me Lord

You're beautiful, You're beautiful

You're more than all this world can give

You're beautiful, You're beautiful

You're love is all I need to live

You're beautiful, You're beautiful

You're more than all this world can give

You're beautiful, more beautiful

You're love is all I need to live

:) I just smile when I read those lyrics. Having reassurance that it is okay to ask the Lord to satisfy me. Before I even get out of bed in the morning to ask Him to satisfy me because I know if I don't ask Him to I will begin to turn back to the things of this world so quick, looking to fill the void that will never fill with anything but Jesus. So as I am listening to this song I take a break to watch a video that a good friend of mine has sent to me. It is a sermon by Paul Washer. And in this video a few things really grab my attention....
"Men were not made for men" (isn't it insane the way we think that we are? I mean I really think that the world has us believing that we were created for other people...) "This world was not made for men" (hold up...what??! Why is it that we are so self righteous that we think that this world was made for US? We think that we have the right to the things of this world but we don't...) "Men were made for GOD" (There you have it...there is your purpose, your meaning...and where you will find your satisfaction. In God...because that is why we are here. That is why we were created and that is why we live....FOR GOD.) He also said something else that caught my attention...God is all we need...I've heard that before...I know that. BUT not only is God all we need, He is all we HAVE. Try and live this life without Him...it won't work because anything outside of God is wrong. Thank God that I don't have to take a year off to go somewhere far far away to be near Him. Everything changed so quickly because I finally did my part...God was doing His along, I just wasn't responding but I did today and let me tell you something-I have never felt so satisfied.

I love "love"

In the book crazy love Francis Chan is talking about his wife's grandma who was totally and completely in love with Jesus. She is quoted as saying, "I love love!" I was thinking about that today...don't we all love "love". I am in Colorado and so I am getting to spend a lot of time with my family. This is family I see once or twice a year. My cousins are all younger and so every time I see them they are different. My twelve year old cousin, McKenna, is almost taller than me! Now I realize this does not take much but still it is just so crazy. My family all comes from different lives, different stories. My grandma lives alone...well it is her and her dog, Mickey, who she doesn't really like that much actually. My aunt (my mom's sister) comes from a house full of boys, four boys and two males dogs to be exact. My uncle (my mom's brother) brings his two kids over (one boy and one girl), leaving his wife at home for reasons I won't even get into on a blog. And then there is my mom coming from Missouri, a place she really doesn't care for but yet she loves because that is where her family is. We all come from different problems, worries, and struggles yet when we come together we are this united family that just picks up right where we left off the last time we were together (like I said that could have been anywhere from 6 months to a year ago). We love each other. And that is just something to be grateful for. I was talking to my mom today about how different her life was compared to my life. I really am blessed beyond measure. I don't even realize it sometimes but the Lord has blessed me and given me so much love in my life.



I had someone tell me that I used the word love a lot. Do you think you can really use it too much? I am sure you can...it gets overused and misused plenty. But the word love is something that the Lord emphasized so many times in the bible. It is used in the old testament through Genesis and Exodus, commanding the people to love and to show love. In Deuteronomy the Lord gives us the greatest command, to love the Lord Jesus with all your heart, all your soul and all your strength. Something we could spend our entire lives doing and never fully accomplishing I don't think. In Joshua it says if we love the Lord we will be like the sun and rise with strength. Later on in Job we see his great love for the Lord as He is tested and pushed to the limit, enduring and looking to the Lord with love. And of course the Psalms and Proverbs are full of verses on love. Verses on loving the Lord, loving others and best of all verses describing Jesus' great and perfect love for us.

The OT is full of love...and it just continues on in the NT. In the NT we are told to love our enemies, love our fathers and mothers, and to love our neighbor as we love ourselves. We are even told to love each other as Christ has loved us...wow. We are told that if we love others then people will know we are disciples of Christ. And then the well known passage in Corinthians defining love. The verses go on and on. I think God knows that we are a forgetful people and we must be reminded and reminded. He calls us to love. We are made to love, so it is not surprising that we love "love" the way we do.

Whether we long to be loved my a parent or a sibling...or maybe we long to feel love from a friend...or perhaps we dream and anticipate the day we will be loved by another and spend the rest of our lives loving that person...we are a people that long for love. And you know what....? I LOVE that! :) I know that this blog is kind of long and a bunch of mixed thoughts but they are thoughts I have had lately and so I tried to make them as clear as possible. I wrote a poem once called "Romance" and it is about the greatest love and I would like to share it with you. I do not share my poetry often but I feel like this once fits with the topic so I will. I hope you enjoy it.

Romance

Rising early morning awoke by my true love.

The sunshine...warm hands of my creator touching my face.

My God sings to me His many written love songs

With His perfectly created birds.

I listen with a quiet heart feeling more loved then ever.

Clear, blue, soft...romantic.

The sky overlooks me as the Lord hugs me with the crisp cool breeze.

Closing my eyes I feel the soft lips of the Lord on my cheek...

I look upwards to see the rain beginning to fall...Love.

I lift my hands and begin to dance in the warmth falling from heaven.

Darkness begins to fall over me.

Fingers of my Father run through my hair as the wind of the night settles.

As I make my way to bed I look out the window

To see the Lord wink as me with a shooting star.

I close my eyes and talk to the lover of my soul.

Looking forward to another day of experiencing the most intimate relationship...

My Father's love for me.