He is ALL we Have

I am going to attempt to write down what has been going through my brain the past couple of days. I say attempt because I feel as if I have had so many thoughts that I needed a year to process through all of them and then within an instance it just all made sense...

Something I have been finding myself struggling with this summer is self worth. This is a new struggle for me. In fact I have had many girls come to me with this struggle and it was always hard for me to relate. But suddenly I had been thrown into their world. I found myself looking for satisfaction in my appearance, my "self esteem", my job, my relationships. I felt like I had this empty void that needed to be filled and I didn't know how to fill it. I found myself yearning for love and acceptance. All of the sudden I went form being content to needing someone to need me and want me. I share these things not for pity by any means but I share them to be real. I don't know who reads these blogs or if anyone besides my mom reads them (lol) but what I don't want someone to do is to come across my blogs and think...oh there is just another person who has it all together...and then feel defeated. I don't have it all together, I have bad days, I am not perfect.

And then yesterday I am thinking to myself about all these things I need to do. At the beginning of the summer I put together a "Strategic Plan". Erica Goodyear (a woman who disciples me during the school year) gave it to me as a goal sheet for myself. On it are lists of goals that I felt like I needed to accomplish this summer to better my personal relationship with Jesus, better myself, better my relationships with my family, friends and to better my future. The main goal is written out in three different passages from II Timothy, Colossians and Hebrew as my summer goal. I felt like I had been failing at this and got really down on myself. I am reading this book, Eat Pray Love. In it this woman takes a year to travel to Italy, India and Indonesia. She is accomplishing so much in her time away. Then I heard from Emiley who is in Africa and when she emails me it is like I am reading an email from somebody totally different from the girl I knew before she left. I started to think about the summers I would go away to camp. It seems like when you are placed in a different environment, one away from your everyday life, meant solely for Christ then it is sort of easy. My thoughts are, where in the heck am I gonna go? I need to get away. I need to refocus...for a long time. This poses as a problem since I am in Jackson for three weeks working many many hours so that I can take a vacation to Hawaii and then I am off to Lindenwood...where I've been...same place. If you can feel any of my emotion through this blog you are beginning to feel my sheer panic. lol But don't worry God came through...as He always does.

I read a few passages in Ephesians yesterday. This is the first of two books that me and the girls from LU are reading together this summer. This first passage I read made me take a real good look at my heart and what I desire...we established earlier that the things I have been desiring are earthly love, earthly companionship, earthly desires. I was asking myself the question that I am pretty sure every girl finds themselves asking at least once in their life: will I be loved and will I be loved enough? So that is my heart...yuck...my desires are obviously controlling my life. Then I read on to the next passage. In this passage I learn that if I love Jesus...He will become my desire and my want. My answer to my two questions "will I be loved and will I be loved enough?" is right in front of me. HELLO JESSICA?! I have a God who loves me-ALWAYS...and although I will never fully be able to comprehend how much He loves me...I am pretty darn sure that is is more than ENOUGH. Suddenly I am feeling a little better...although at this point I am ready to take a whole stack a paper and write "LOVE JESUS" on each one so I can post them all over my room and my car just to remind me. (an idea my friend, Lindsey had that I think is pretty brilliant) That was last night...

Today I find myself meditating on the passages all day. It's great...who would of thought that God could change my ways of thinking so quickly? And then of course I connect through a song...well because I always do. :) The song is by one of my favorite bands, Tenth Avenue North. I love all their songs by the way and their lyrics are simply amazing. But the song that struck me today on my way to the gym was Satisfy. The title already had me interested since that was what I had been looking for...satisfication...purpose...meaning....let me share the lyrics with you.

Before the sun has touched the sky

Colors bursting from Your eyes

Before the flood of the morning light

Before the earth has felt Your heat

Before I stand up to my feet

Before I begin to feel this weak

Satisfy me Lord, oh oh

Satisfy me Lord, oh oh

I'm begging You, to help me see

You're all I want, You're all I need

Oh, satisfy me Lord

When the day is closing in

Like the stars in the night I am falling

Into the pull of the earth and it's affection

In me, oh lord, can you create

A pure heart cuz I'm afraid

That I just might run back to the things I hate

Satisfy me Lord, oh oh

Satisfy me Lord, oh oh

Yeah, I'm begging You, to help me see

You're all I want, You're all I need

Oh, satisfy me Lord

You're beautiful, You're beautiful

You're more than all this world can give

You're beautiful, You're beautiful

You're love is all I need to live

You're beautiful, You're beautiful

You're more than all this world can give

You're beautiful, more beautiful

You're love is all I need to live

:) I just smile when I read those lyrics. Having reassurance that it is okay to ask the Lord to satisfy me. Before I even get out of bed in the morning to ask Him to satisfy me because I know if I don't ask Him to I will begin to turn back to the things of this world so quick, looking to fill the void that will never fill with anything but Jesus. So as I am listening to this song I take a break to watch a video that a good friend of mine has sent to me. It is a sermon by Paul Washer. And in this video a few things really grab my attention....
"Men were not made for men" (isn't it insane the way we think that we are? I mean I really think that the world has us believing that we were created for other people...) "This world was not made for men" (hold up...what??! Why is it that we are so self righteous that we think that this world was made for US? We think that we have the right to the things of this world but we don't...) "Men were made for GOD" (There you have it...there is your purpose, your meaning...and where you will find your satisfaction. In God...because that is why we are here. That is why we were created and that is why we live....FOR GOD.) He also said something else that caught my attention...God is all we need...I've heard that before...I know that. BUT not only is God all we need, He is all we HAVE. Try and live this life without Him...it won't work because anything outside of God is wrong. Thank God that I don't have to take a year off to go somewhere far far away to be near Him. Everything changed so quickly because I finally did my part...God was doing His along, I just wasn't responding but I did today and let me tell you something-I have never felt so satisfied.

What are the sounds of Heaven?

We will sing, sing, sing
And make music with the heavens
We will sing, sing, singGrateful that You hear us
When we shout your praise
Lift high the name of Jesus

What's not to love about You?
Heaven and earth adore You
Kings and kingdoms bow down
Son of God, You are the One
You are the One we're living for

You are the love that frees us
You are the light that leads us
Like a fire burning
Son of God, You are the one
You are the one we're living for

Two Fridays ago I was at the Chris Tomlin/Toby Mac concert with my best friend, Megan. I can't even explain how powerful it is to hear thousands of people praising the Lord. As we were singing Jesus Messiah, I got tears in my eyes and as I slowly opened them and began to gaze around me thousands of hands were lifted high above their heads as if they were trying to pour out all they could to their great Lord in Heaven. I get goosebumps just remembering it. I had this thought, "Is this what Heaven will be like?" People stretching their hands out to Jesus, praising Him for eternity? I don't think we can really know what it will be like but I think if I had to imagine that is how I would imagine it to be. When you love something the way we love Jesus how can you not sing? But then Toby Mac came out. Everyone was still worshiping, no doubt, but instead of swaying back and worth with their hands lifted high there was more jumping up and down, dancing and clapping. It was so fun but it made me think about the elders at my church. They wouldn't like it...although praises to Jesus, it is not how they praise Him. Heaven will be filled with millions of people, all sorts of people praising Jesus together. Have you ever thought about what that will sound like? Look like? Do you think it is anything like we do on earth? Do you think it will be gospel, christian rap, rock, contemporary, worship? Or maybe we will have a new kind of worship...a worship made just for us to bring just to Jesus. It will be like our own love language to Him that we will only know once we are in His presence. :) I don't know...but it sure fun to think about and all I know is that I can't wait to find out one day. Until then I will praise Him the way I know how here on earth, anticipating the day I can praise in Heaven.

Your love is amazing, steady and unchanging

Your love is a mountain, firm beneath my feet
Your love is a mystery, how you gently lift me
When I am surrounded, your love carries me

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, your love makes me sing
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, your love makes me sing

Your love is surprising, I can feel it rising
All the joy that's growing deep inside of me
Every time I see you, all your goodness shines through
And I can feel this God song, rising up in me


Yes, you make me sing
Lord, you make me sing, sing, sing
How you make me sing

I love "love"

In the book crazy love Francis Chan is talking about his wife's grandma who was totally and completely in love with Jesus. She is quoted as saying, "I love love!" I was thinking about that today...don't we all love "love". I am in Colorado and so I am getting to spend a lot of time with my family. This is family I see once or twice a year. My cousins are all younger and so every time I see them they are different. My twelve year old cousin, McKenna, is almost taller than me! Now I realize this does not take much but still it is just so crazy. My family all comes from different lives, different stories. My grandma lives alone...well it is her and her dog, Mickey, who she doesn't really like that much actually. My aunt (my mom's sister) comes from a house full of boys, four boys and two males dogs to be exact. My uncle (my mom's brother) brings his two kids over (one boy and one girl), leaving his wife at home for reasons I won't even get into on a blog. And then there is my mom coming from Missouri, a place she really doesn't care for but yet she loves because that is where her family is. We all come from different problems, worries, and struggles yet when we come together we are this united family that just picks up right where we left off the last time we were together (like I said that could have been anywhere from 6 months to a year ago). We love each other. And that is just something to be grateful for. I was talking to my mom today about how different her life was compared to my life. I really am blessed beyond measure. I don't even realize it sometimes but the Lord has blessed me and given me so much love in my life.



I had someone tell me that I used the word love a lot. Do you think you can really use it too much? I am sure you can...it gets overused and misused plenty. But the word love is something that the Lord emphasized so many times in the bible. It is used in the old testament through Genesis and Exodus, commanding the people to love and to show love. In Deuteronomy the Lord gives us the greatest command, to love the Lord Jesus with all your heart, all your soul and all your strength. Something we could spend our entire lives doing and never fully accomplishing I don't think. In Joshua it says if we love the Lord we will be like the sun and rise with strength. Later on in Job we see his great love for the Lord as He is tested and pushed to the limit, enduring and looking to the Lord with love. And of course the Psalms and Proverbs are full of verses on love. Verses on loving the Lord, loving others and best of all verses describing Jesus' great and perfect love for us.

The OT is full of love...and it just continues on in the NT. In the NT we are told to love our enemies, love our fathers and mothers, and to love our neighbor as we love ourselves. We are even told to love each other as Christ has loved us...wow. We are told that if we love others then people will know we are disciples of Christ. And then the well known passage in Corinthians defining love. The verses go on and on. I think God knows that we are a forgetful people and we must be reminded and reminded. He calls us to love. We are made to love, so it is not surprising that we love "love" the way we do.

Whether we long to be loved my a parent or a sibling...or maybe we long to feel love from a friend...or perhaps we dream and anticipate the day we will be loved by another and spend the rest of our lives loving that person...we are a people that long for love. And you know what....? I LOVE that! :) I know that this blog is kind of long and a bunch of mixed thoughts but they are thoughts I have had lately and so I tried to make them as clear as possible. I wrote a poem once called "Romance" and it is about the greatest love and I would like to share it with you. I do not share my poetry often but I feel like this once fits with the topic so I will. I hope you enjoy it.

Romance

Rising early morning awoke by my true love.

The sunshine...warm hands of my creator touching my face.

My God sings to me His many written love songs

With His perfectly created birds.

I listen with a quiet heart feeling more loved then ever.

Clear, blue, soft...romantic.

The sky overlooks me as the Lord hugs me with the crisp cool breeze.

Closing my eyes I feel the soft lips of the Lord on my cheek...

I look upwards to see the rain beginning to fall...Love.

I lift my hands and begin to dance in the warmth falling from heaven.

Darkness begins to fall over me.

Fingers of my Father run through my hair as the wind of the night settles.

As I make my way to bed I look out the window

To see the Lord wink as me with a shooting star.

I close my eyes and talk to the lover of my soul.

Looking forward to another day of experiencing the most intimate relationship...

My Father's love for me.

Just Keep Swimming...

But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.

So lately I have been thinking about a passage in Philippians chapter 3:7-14. In fact it kind of reminds me of Dora in Finding Nemo...oh, I'm going somewhere with this worry. Things in my life have not been going exactly how I would like them too. In fact they have not gone anything like I would have planned them to in the past couple of weeks. I am okay, don't get me wrong. I don't want you to think I have been down and depressed or anything because that is NOT at all how it has been. BUT, it has not been all that ideal that is for sure. It makes me think of the scene in Finding Nemo with Marlin and Dora..........

Dory: Hey there, Mr. Grumpy Gills. When life gets you down do you wanna know what you've gotta do?

Marlin: No I don't wanna know.

Dory: [singing] Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. What do we do? We swim, swim.

Marlin: Dory, no singing.

Dory: [continuing] Ha, ha, ha, ha, ho. I love to swim. When you want to swim you want to swim. Marlin: Now I'm stuck with that song... Now it's in my head.

Dory: Sorry.

:) That just makes me smile...It reminds me of the next part of the passage in Philippians...

Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Life is not always gonna go as we planned...sometimes it is going to get us down. Lately I have been losing things that to were in important. I have been losing some really great friends and it is really hard but I have to remember that those things, although great, are near rubbish compared to the things of the Lord. And my eyes, along with my brothers and sisters in Christ, should be on the Lord Jesus Christ..."forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead." I find the word straining interesting. I like to look up the definitions to words so that is what I am going to do! :)

Straining: "to stretch beyond proper limit"

It won't always be easy and sometimes we might have to do things we do not enjoy and give up things we do. Sometimes we might feel like we are not going to make it and we may feel like we want to give up but the prize is at the end and once we reach that goal it will all be worth the strain!

So all you bloggers out there...and my TWO followers just remember this..Philippians 1:21 "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, so that through my being with you again your joy in Christ Jesus will overflow on account of me."

I pray that I can be like Paul and be encouraged that the while it would be better to be with Christ it is necessary for me to be here now with you and that together we can be of encouragement to one another as we press on together. Have a WONDERFUL day my blogger friends..."just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming..."

Just Stop Flapping!

Another week is starting...I think that is so easy for us to get into a routine. We know it is Monday and we just "do". We do without even thinking at times. I woke up this morning, went to the gym, ran back to my dorm to frantically get ready for class, drove over to QT with Em to get a 20 oz fat free french vanilla latte and a special K peanut butter and chocolate meal bar and before I knew it we were sitting in the car stalking people to their cars so that we could get a parking spot outside of spellmen and not be late for our 10:00 class. Just another Monday....what makes this Monday different from last Monday, or the last? Do I wake up and just take a second to stop running around and thank God for giving me another Monday? I had a midterm today...pretty sure I aced it. Thank you Professor Beckerle for wanting to see your students succeed! :) I was out of my 10 class by 10:10..I don't have class till 11:00 and for the first time today I was able to just stop. Stop and think. Stop and listen...thank you God for talking to me through my busy and hectic day. Thank you God for waiting for me while I push you to the side because I know I do this way to much.

It is so easy to get tired. I don't mean just physically tired...although I think that is very easy as well. But have you ever just felt emotionally tired? Or mentally tired? Or even spiritually tired? I have been thinking about the verse in Isaiah 40. I posted it on the top of my page.

Isaiah 40:31 says, "But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

I always remember my friend Cristina reading this verse to the girls at THRBC. She explained it a way I had never thought about it. She said that, eagles do not fly like other birds, they don't flap their wings but rather soar. Flapping their wings would use incredible amounts of their own strength and endurance. Instead they sit on a high ledge and wait for the right wind currents to come. When the time is right, they take off and soar upward. Effortlessly, because they have waited for the right time. What a lesson for God's children to learn. How often do we waste strength by jumping out too soon and 'flapping our wings', instead of waiting for God's timing. Waiting is not a popular concept in these days of instant everything! But when we wait on the Lord - wait for His timing - wait for His answers - wait for His direction, then we can soar to new heights and fly to new places.

The verse also says that those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength, they will run and not grow weary. We don't have to do anything but put our hope in Him. How awesome is that? My prayer this week would be that you would take that challenge with Him of putting all our hope in God. That we would not continue to flap our wings, getting no where but that we would just stop and let God carry us through, allowing us to soar through this week and this life.

...He is in always listening.

So I have a new favorite song. It is Listen to Our Hearts by Steven Curtis Chapman.

How do you explain, How do you describe, A love that goes from east to west, And runs and deep as it is wide? You know all our hopes Lord, you know all our fears. And words cannot express the love we feel. But we long for You to hear

Chorus: So listen to our hearts (oh, Lord, please listen)Hear our spirits sing (and hear us sing)A song of praise that flows (a simple song of praise)From those You have redeemed (from those You have redeemed)We will use the words we know To tell You what an awesome God You are But words are not enough To tell You of our love So listen to our hearts

If words could fall like rain From these lips of mine And if I had a thousand years I would still run out of time So if You listen to my heart Every beat would say,“Thank You for the Life, thank You for the Truth, thank You for the Way.”

I was reminded of this song tonight when I got a text message from a good friend of mine, Carrie. She doesn't read my blog so she didn't know that my last entry was about peace and that I had said that was something that I felt like the Lord was trying to teach me lately. But what I found so cool was the way the Lord showed His sovereignty tonight through a simple text message. Carrie sent me a verse in John, chapter 16 and verse 33. It says, "These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have over come the world." How awesome is that? First I am just thinking how cool is it that Jesus has already over come not only the trials and tribulations that we face daily but He has overcome this world that we live in. We don't have to worry anymore! And then I thought about how much I needed to hear that verse...I had not been verbally praying to God about anything at the time. In fact, sadly the Lord was far from my mind as I was trying to retain as much information as I could for my exam while trying to divide my thoughts about my own tribulations I was facing. God was listening to my heart when I wasn't even trying to talk to Him. Isn't it amazing the way the Lord knows everything we need at every moment of every day? I just think that is so neat. He is so faithful. :) I just wanted to share those thoughts with you before I snuggled into bed...ahhh...can't wait.

Goodnight*

On the search...

According to Webster's online dictionary peace is defined as, a state of tranquillity or quiet or harmony in personal relations.
Job 22:21 says, "Submit to God and be at peace with him; in this way prosperity will come to you."
Romans 5:1 says, "Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ."
Romans 12:18, "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone."
Romans 15:13, "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

The bible speaks of peace all through out the old and new testament. God is described as a God of peace. Romans 5:1 says that we can have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ . Romans also tells us to live at peace with everyone as far as it depends on us. But what is peace really? Do you ever feel like you are always on the search for it? Life gets hectic and busy and a moment of peace seems so far away and so unattainable at times. I find myself on the search for peace all the time. I am looking to follow the Lord's will in the fall, "Lord God give me peace about a decision." I have conflict within myself with people, "Lord, help me to live in peace with this person." So much of our life is spent looking for something...looking for anything to give us peace. Why are always looking? Why are we constantly on the search? When I am racking my brain and going to every friend of mine for advice and counsel and hopefully a peace over my life I am quickly reminded that God is a God of peace. He tells us in His word to be still and know that He is God. Someone times I just feel so foolish knowing that this peace that I am constantly on the search for is right there in my Lord Jesus Christ.

That is just something that the Lord has been teaching my lately. I am so thankful He continues to teach us things daily. :) I have so much to learn still...